I had a panic attack today.
I have been having problems these last two weeks with sleeping as I keep having nightmares. I worry that good isn’t foot enough and am angry with myself if I get anything less than 100% in a test or don’t work hard enough.
I’ve been putting all this pressure on myself to be perfect when I should have been looking to be happy. I’ve made myself sick and sleep deprived and today I cracked but sadly I cracked at school inform of my English class and again in maths. My class mates now know I’m cracked and that I’m breaking. Everyone is being so nice but I don’t want their pity I just want them to see me as normal.
Sadly normal and perfection are conceptualised ideas and are not obtainable so for now I’m just having to patch up the cracks. As Deadpool once said “if you can’t fix it with tape your not using enough tape”
I really hope to hear from you guys about so please comment or email me.
Teen to teen out
When I do something wrong my parents are all ready with the adoption papers and the speeches of what I won’t be able to do in the future.
My aspiration is to be a chef one day and yesterday after making cupcakes for my friends I washed and cleaned the kitchen. However one spoon had a speck of chocolate still on it which lead to my mother recounting every time she has heard of someone who has food poisoning and saying that she will forbid me from cooking and that then I’ll never be a chef. All in all it was not good. I was stood there repeating the work OK as I knew that if I said anything else I would either cry or start yelling at her. This was not a good decision as then she started having a go at me for saying ok repeatedly as that obviously means I’m not listening. So instead I decided to stay quiet which then lead to her being annoyed that I wasn’t replying so then I said to her that I was listening. Her response was “don’t use that tone at me”.
I then went toff to bed as I knew I would not win this fight and as soon as I was halfway up the stairs my mother shouted up “see you in the morning, love you”. This is why I hate it when I’m in an argument / being told off by my mother as she always wins, I always almost cry and then she pretends it never happened and doesn’t understand how horrible and sad she has made me feel.
Do any of you have these problems to and if so please comment them down below.
Teen to teen out
Don’t worry friend I’m used to this feeling, it doesn’t bother me anymore. I’m used to the tears running down my face and I’m used to the longs sleeves and odd stares when I raise my arm and answer a question. I’m used to being called a bitch and people telling me all the different ways to end my life. I’m used to the loneliness and the pain and hiding it away. I’m used to lieing to my family and friends so that no one knows what I’m going through. I’ve learnt over the years how to deal with all this and cutting is my way. I’ve gotten used to crying for hours yet never telling a soul what’s wrong. I have mastered the skill of telling someone I’m ok whilst tears are brining in my eyes. I know the smile that everyone thinks is genuine but isn’t and that’s fine. That is how I live my life and its fine. And it’ll be fine until it won’t and even then no one will care, no one will notice and no one will take the blame. The red on my wrists are simply a reminder that I can’t do this on my win one step at a time.
Please comment and email me (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Teen to teen out
Recently at work we had an agency chef come in who made me feel uncomfortable and frustrated. I fact this is the only person in the 3 years I have worked there to make me cry.
Throughout my shift this man would pay my head saying that he was proud of how well someone of my age could do as a chef. The chef the went on to say that he shouldn’t be to surprised I can cook as I’m a girl so therefore it’s in my DNA. Obviously this wasn’t fun to work with for an 8 hour shift especially as he was 1 1/2 hours late to work and also blamed me for everything he did wrong.
This particular man made me cry after 6 hours the last straw being him trying to change a dish that was actually my own recipe for the menu. As I said before this is the only time I’ve cried in the 3 years I worked in the kitchen and is also the only time I questioned wether I wanted to be a chef in the future.
I wanted to share this with you as I think it’s horrible how just one person can make us consider not following our dream and make us question everything we stand for. I wanted you to know that everyone has those moments but what makes this moment just a hiccup and not a life changing decision is how you deal with it. Sometimes having a cry and a rant to a family member or friend (try to avoid work colleagues) is the best option as they can give you advice instead of bottling it up inside. You just have to remember this is one person in your life, one inconsequential person who could be just another name in the sea of people you’ve met or it could be the person you tell your kids about as they are the ones that made you question yourself.
Please comment and feel free to email me if you want help or someone to talk to. (email@example.com)
Teen to teen out
They look down at your arm
you notice their alarm.
“Where did you get that?”
“It was just my cat.”
Then you walk away trying not to cry
another day of living the lie.
Until one day someone realises
pulls up their sleeve and sympathises.
“I have a cat too,
theirs a lot of people like me and you.”
They begin to help you through the bad times
making you realise your thoughts aren’t crimes.
Till one day your cat is no more
but your nightmares still their when they close the door.
The memories from the past
in your head there to last.
The urges subside
So that your enemy is no longer your own life.
I just wanted you to know that I did write this one night when I was bored but I felt like I had to share it with you. I wanted you to all know that i have had years of harmful thoughts and that they are sill there but thanks to some great friends they have subsided.
Obviously not everyone who reads this is harming themselves mentally or physically but the majority of you will know someone who does even if you don’t know so yet. Sadly there aren’t any statistics for this issue as often nobody knows it is happening to someone until they ask for help or have to get help once it has gone to far. I wanted you to know that I am here for support or any questions you have on how to deal with it yourself or how to help someone else.
I also wanted to say that lots of people get bullied if their scars are accidentally revealed which then leads to them spiralling downward quicker. I know this personally as once in PE i had forgotten my jumper so couldn’t hide my scars which lead to people accusing me of being an attention seeker and rumours going around the school of why I had these scars. Sometimes people “accidentally” show their scars as they are screaming of help so therefore in a kind and polite way you should offer your support.
I’m sorry for this being so long but it is a topic that I am passionate about.
As always, and even more so with this topic, please comment and as I now it is a touchy subject feel free to email me ( firstname.lastname@example.org ) and I will get back to you within 1-2 days.
Teen to teen out
Sometimes I wonder just how important my opinions, thoughts and ideas. As I write these posts I wonder wether any of you relate of care about whenever I spill my heart out.
I have also had some thoughts as someone form school found this blog and threatened to share it around which wouldn’t be good as then people would realise what I really thought of all the rubbish situations I’ve been in and all the things I’ve hidden form my past. Due to this I have made my blog anonymous and have gone though comments that use my full name etc. and elected them and have changed my username and email address for you to contact me at. This isn’t as I’m ashamed of this blog I just don’t want there to be another thing that can be used against me at school. I hope you understand.
as always comment, share and email me @ email@example.com as I love hearing your opinions and stories and I will always reply to you.
Teen to teen out x
Somethings in life change is as people those moments you look back in and know that because of that moment you are who you are.
They may scars on your skin, people who’ve gone and those who have stayed or moments in your past.
These moments can change us positively or negatively and one of the most important things is to always have more positive than negative. The other is that you shouldn’t be ashamed of something that has changed you.
Everyone has a life that no one else knows about and that may be by choice of not and that’s fine. In a world of social media it’s easier for us to share our lives as well as for others to be involved in ours.
These moments that used to be just between family or friends can now be found by strangers or by new people on your lives years later.
I love that I can go back in my life and be able to pick out a particular point in my life that I know changed me mentally or physically. These things are what makes me unique and I hate when others don’t understand that.
Please comment as always.
Teen to teen out